Who I wish I Could Apologize to:

When going through something like an ED, you tend to take your anger out on a lot of people. These are my personal apologies for the most amazing people in my life that I have consistently, yet unintentionally hurt over the last 5 years.

These apologies may mean nothing to you, but I feel as in my recovery process I need to make them clear. Sometimes we get so caught up in our own hurt, that we forget that others too are hurting others because of what we have done. I encourage everyone to take the time to realize who struggles/struggled with us as we face our eating disorders, and show our gratitude towards them.

I am sorry….

I am sorry to my parents. To the people I have made cry themselves to sleep because I couldn’t control my own illness. I am sorry for the night at the hospital when you sat and watched me deteriorate. I am sorry for pushing you away every time you tried to get close. I am sorry for giving up on myself, when you never did. I am sorry for the little girl you raised, that turned into less than a person and more into a disease.

I am sorry to my friends. For all the times we just wanted to have a good day, but instead my ED got in the way and I wasn't myself. For the nights you’ve held me while I cried. For the times you’ve seen me change clothes because I am so afraid of how the public sees me. And for the times I let the fear of you leaving, stop me from getting too close.

I am sorry to God simply for giving me this body, and me not appreciating it. I am sorry for damaging something that you created -- something that you touched.

And lastly I want to apologize to myself. To the 7 year old girl that loved playing kickball with her friends, and ate all the ice cream she wanted. I am sorry for stunting the growth of who she could’ve been, and is now stuck with knowing her disease more than she knows herself. I am sorry to the 8th grader who saw her reflection in the car and chose to see the worst in herself. I wish I could go back and hug her. I am sorry for the relationships she’s broken, and for the way she looks at herself in the mirror.