It’s okay to mourn.

sometimes i find myself trying to restrict. telling myself i ate a lot yesterday so i need to slow it all down today.

sometimes i find myself thinking what it would be like to shrink back, telling myself if i miss dinner ill be fine and its not a sign of relapse.

sometimes i think that if i was skinnier all of my problems would be solved. that id be loved, and cherished, and appreciated.

sometimes i go out in the heat of summer in a sweatshirt so people cant judge my body the way that i do.

sometimes i hate myself for recovering. most days i think about going back.

i think its inevitable to miss your old body. i think its normal to be proud that you once restricted for so long. to be proud of a body that you were NEVER meant to fit in.

you see, my dad used to get so mad at me. i have this memory of him practically shoving ice cream down my throat with tears in his eyes. i had to tell him what id been doing to my body and he had to accept that I couldn’t be fixed over night.

i have this memory of my mom talking to me about what it means to be anorexic. we were in the car and i was denying ever trying to starve myself and we sat in silence the rest of the way to the doctor who’d prescribe me meds to get better.

I have these horrible memories engraved in my brain of hurting the people I loved the most in the world, and remember thinking to myself in those moments that maybe I “made it.”

i could deny the disorder all i wanted, but they saw me. they thought i was skinny and that felt almost more powerful than anything else in those moments.

everything around me was broken, but i was skinny and I loved that.

i hate myself for letting anorexia feel powerful during the worst time of my life. i hate myself for knowing the pain i caused and still sometimes missing that part of my life.

i hate myself for getting bigger.

i love myself for being honest. & recovery taught me that.

there’s not a day that goes by that im not thankful for choosing the path that I did. because with every great thing i felt being in a smaller body, i still wasn’t satisfied in anything in my life.

& though I don’t love my body today, i have so much I am satisfied with in my life because i no longer force myself to take up less space.

i swim freely, i soak my body in the sun, i eat Sunday pasta dinner with my family, i no longer have random bruises on my legs, and i stopped losing my hair.

i eat to fuel and nourish my body. i eat because it tastes good. i eat because i am supposed to.

friends you can miss the old parts of your life, you can mourn a body that no longer looks like yours. - but let’s also be thankful that God willing we live another day in a body that’s proud to be apart of us. that is allowed to looks different. that is allowed to change. a body that is meant to so much more than how it looks.

i would choose recovery in every lifetime. and i hope you can do it with me.

love always,

RACH