When We Remember

Goodmorning all. I pray you are nourishing your bodies and finding peace in all that you do, wherever you may be in your journeys.

Today I dug myself down a hole. I was reminiscing old memories, looking back at all the pictures and videos the years I was sick.

I look back and I know how much I hated my body back then. The days where I starved myself and became visibly upset if I thought I ate too much.

I look back at my tiny body, the body I killed myself to get, yet never could love.

— and I look at my body now, much bigger, wondering how I got from that little body to this one. Wondering why I do not starve myself now, even though my body is bigger.

If I hated the much tinier one, why do I not altar it again. Should I altar it again?

Now, I understand this is the disease talking. I understand I cannot do this to myself, even though I may want to. Even though it kills me to know how much I have grown into something I do not always recognize.

This my friends is the truth. The truth of batting something that we work so hard to get past, but still miss as the days go on.

I saw something recently that said “you can take the girl out of the disease, but you can’t take the disease out of the girl.”

And in so many ways that made sense to me. My disease will always be apart of me, whether I want it to be or not. It got me to where I am today, and who I am today.

Recovery doesn’t always make sense. It doesn’t always feel good, but it is worth being in a body that gets to live. I no longer feel like I am existing, I am living this time friends. — and I really love living.

Some days are harder than others, but we got up today, and we will get up tomorrow.