When Reality Hits...

Over the last few days I was blessed enough to be able to travel to Nashville, TN and visit my sister. I got to escape from the real world which is something I desperately felt like I needed. The last month for me has been filled with stress, high emotions, panic attacks, and a sense of feeling like I’ve lost my ability to function. I was drained and emotionless, yet completely filled with sadness. It was a type of pain I hadn’t experienced this bad in a while. I needed out, and I needed out right then and there. (God does have the perfect timing and knew I needed some time away from my real world.)

Like any vacation comes the stressors of eating and the tighter clothes, wearing bathing suits, seeing new people, or whatever else comes with the uneasy feeling of being uncomfortable. For me, it’s the food. I wanted to be able to be in the moment, enjoy the atmosphere, and try different foods. And as scary as it was — that’s what I did. I let my negative thoughts go for just a little bit and enjoyed what I could, of my get away. It was nice, refreshing, and even fun. — and although I still felt uncomfortable eating the way I did, I was able to push myself a little further and come to terms that I was on vacation and it was “okay” to do so.

I’m not in Nashville anymore. I am home, staring in mirrors, contemplating the foods I ate, and sinking back in to “what now?” Home doesn’t feel like home anymore. I don’t feel safe here. My body doesn’t feel safe here. The new atmosphere and the fact I let myself enjoy time and experiences was really what I needed to realize I don’t know how much longer I can stay in the current place I am in. — and yes — these thoughts will follow me anywhere I go, but what if they can follow me less…

I battle with anorexia, anxiety, and depression, and I think part of that stems from me not being able to excel the way I’d like to due to the lack of opportunities my state and college offers me. — When I am in different places I excel, which makes me happier, which helps me with my depression. If my depression lessens even a little bit — I will have more time and energy to focus on how to improve my eating as a whole.

For the first time I am scared to be home. I don’t want the emotions and the panic attacks and the feelings of unworthiness to rush back. I don’t want to feel like I need to restrict because I let myself enjoy for a few days. I am stuck in where I am and where I need to be. I wanted to carry some of my positive eating thoughts back with me, but unfortunately I just feel the need to restrict.

I want to enjoy food. I want to love my body. I want to lose weight. I need to restrict. I want to be happy. I want my disorder because I am comfortable with it.

Those statements don’t line up. And the reality is that they never will.