What If...

In my last post I mentioned the start of starting therapy again. This post is simply my thoughts of "What if I don't get better?" and "What if I do?"

So to start...

What if I don't get better? As another journey starts tomorrow for myself I can't help but wonder if it will help me, or if I am even worth being helped. Over the last few months some nights I feel like a lost cause. I am on my third anti-depressant, fourth therapist, and fifth year battling some of my demons. Why am I not better? What if I put in all of this work with therapy, and pills, and convincing myself that I am enough -- and none of it pays off. What if I am trapped inside of my own mind forever, without ever feeling better. What if the thoughts keep rushing in, what if I open up only to be let down, and what if I give my all and it just gets worse.

What if I do get better? And I don't mean what if life gets so beautiful -- because it is, and it will continue to be in so many ways. -- What if I do get better, but in a sense of what the hell is next? What does getting better mean? Is it losing some negative thoughts, but gaining weight? Is it losing my illness, but also losing all I've known and concentrated on for the last several years?

I don't know about you, but they both sound scary to me. I feel like I've been here before. And I feel like I've failed it before. I don't know what I want my end goal to be. I don't know who I want to be as someone who will hopefully be able to confidently say she's recovered. And I don't know what even "recovery" fully means to me yet.

If you have been there, or are going through it -- I'd even like some advice. Everyone gets lost, and confused in the journey -- and here is me admitting it.

I feel like no matter what you are struggling with, or trying to recover from we all have so many questions and very little consistent answers. Recovery for anyone looks different on everyone. -- so I guess we will see what this means for me.