What I Wish I could Tell You…

My journey thus far has been filled with ups and downs, but sometimes when you are low — other people see you as weak, attention seeking, and pour their frustration out on blaming you for your illness. Here are some of the things I have tried to explain, but doesn’t ever seem to come through the right way.

I wish I could tell you it’s not my fault for not wanting to always help myself. Sometimes my depression and my mind contradict my eating disorder, and I am left more confused than ever. It’s a constant fight that I don’t have ahold of yet, and I so desperately wish I didn’t care about what is supposed to fuel my body.

I wish I could tell you I feel uncomfortable with the constant phone calls checking in, and the watching my every move — I know it comes from a place of love — but it feels like I am being treated less like a human, and more as a disorder. Sometimes when people see me restrict they get so disappointed like I don’t wanna get better, and vice versa when I eat my family looks at me like I deserve some kind of fucking metal.

I wish our relationships could be back to normal, and that I wasn’t scared that the first words seeing me after getting home from college was that I didn’t look good, or even that I looked “better.” Better is a term I don’t wanna hear because it contradicts what my eating disorder is trying to accomplish.

I wish you didn't blame yourself, because as much as it's not my fault, it for sure isn't yours. Theres nothing you could've done, and you are taking the steps to help me and trying, which is more than I could even ask for. And it sounds selfish to say, but sometimes I don't need your worry placed on me, I just need your faith that something can help me.

I wish I could tell you I’m trying. I know it doesn’t always look like it, but I really don’t want anymore of my life taken away by this. I wanna get better, but I am so afraid of what that could mean — so take your time with me please. When battling anything it doesn’t just go away no matter how hard we wish, or how bad we want it to.

I don't see the finish line yet, but that doesn't mean I'm not looking.