Waking Up

Goodmorning All, as usual I am praying for your healing and strength to overcome whatever life is throwing at you right now.

As my seasonal depression continues to sink in I would like to talk about normal everyday tasks that seem sometimes unbearable. Tasks that should be easy, tasks that we should want to do.

• and I understand this sounds unusual to some, but to others you will know exactly how hard this all can be.

Ever since Sunday I hit a wall. I have been feeling quite anxious for a few weeks, but my breaking point was just a couple days ago. It’s been hard to eat, hard to wake up, hard to be around people, and even hard to shower.

I hate that I am wasting my days laying in bed, but I do not want to do anything else. I hate that I wanting to restrict again - I hate that I have. I am embarrassed that I cannot be my normal happy self around my friends and family, and hate that isolation is comfortable.

And last thing I want is for people around me to feel unappreciated, for all that they have done for me during this time is more than I could ever dreamed of.

I have best friends cleaning my depression room, my dad reminding me to take my medicine, my mom trying to fly home to see me, and cousins and sister checking on me everyday.

I have it all in so many aspects. I have everything I could ever want with the people right in front of me — and I feel so guilty for still feeling down.

I am sorry for the things I am so unmotivated to do. I am sorry for the emotions I don’t know how to accurately portray when in midst of a depression. I am sorry for my lack of enthusiasm and being in the moment.

Each day it is getting easier to wake up, but it still doesn’t feel right. I have to get up. I don’t have a choice - and the sun will still rise whether we are ready for it or not.

I don’t have a choice, because trust me, if I did I wouldn’t be going to class, forcing myself to socialize multiple times a day, or even trying to get down a meal or two.

I am proud of you for trying friends. I know how hard it is. I am here for you, and I hear you, your pain, your struggles.

We will get through this season together.

With Love,

R