Todays Reflection

hello everyone it’s me again, still wishing you the best in your recovery journeys, and still forever standing in your corners.

i come to you tonight with some thoughts of self doubt, and issues with body acceptance.

as crazy as it sounds, i often feel ashamed of myself that i no longer enforce starvation on an everyday basis. i still feel a form of regret after consuming meals. i feel like a failure for losing my once tiny body, that i grew to be sickly proud of.

i see pictures and videos of the old me. i miss her. i mourn her. i am still learning to grieve a body that didn’t die, but a lifestyle that i am still figuring out how to defeat.

some days are worse than others. just the other day i was so proud of what my body is able to do and will be able to do in the future, but tonight i am sick at the thought of my own weight.

eating disorder recovery is weird. a form a self harm that is cravable, loveable, and desirable.

recovery is weird. being in a body that doesn’t always feel like mine is weird.

i love the life that i live, yet can sometimes miss the life i hated.

i find myself often craving a lot of bad things for me. holding on to people i should let go of. creating a toxic lifeline that i can’t seem to let go of, because pain was once so comfortable and indulging in more negativity keeps the pain present in different ways.

i share this with you all because this is real. the discomfort, the self reflection, the mourning a body that doesn’t exist anymore — yet is still mine.

i share this with you because i do not want to lie or pretend to anyone that recovery is easy.

i want us to love our new shapes. our new bodies. our new lives. i want us to continue healing. — but when has healing ever been linear.

i pray we can accept the harder days, and appreciate the good ones even more knowing what we do now.

i still am very much proud of the progress i have made, the recovery i have stuck to - and i pray we all find comfort in this process together.

if no one has told you today, i am proud of you. no matter what today looked like for you, i am proud of you. no matter you think of yourself, i am proud of you.

thank you all for being my safe space. my place to rant and cry and scream and yell and love.

and most importantly thank you for being my space to heal.

we are all still just learning, and that can be quite beautiful if we let it.

sincerely,

Rach