To the People I Love

Hello All, I hope you have been fueling your bodies, and trying your best to get through whatever life may be throwing at you.

This particular message is for the people I love. The words I sometimes don’t know how to say. The apologies for the things I wish I could’ve changed. The thank yous for the times you've stuck by me when I sometimes don’t even deserve it.

As I reflect on the person my illness made me, I am ashamed of the way I treated my loved ones, and frustrated with how I could not cope with the struggles I dealt with regarding my appearance.

As I reflect today, I am even more sad on the days I want to restrict, only because this time, I know exactly what it does to my loved ones, yet I can’t seem to change all of my ways yet.  I can’t seem to always push when I know that u need to be stronger not only for myself, but for my family and friends.

In my 20 years I see all of the mistakes I’ve made, and the ones that I I will continue to make and I cherish every person who hasn’t given up on me, even when I feel like giving up on myself.

Recovery is so much more that just how to be better for me, but also how to be better for everyone else around me.

The mirror is my enemy again and I want to write this, to help remind myself that restricting is not the answer to my problems, and the guilt after eating more recently is a sign I am recognizing more and more as this journey continues.

— I want to write this to be able to think out loud, to remind myself of how far I’ve come, and the people I would let down even if I skipped just one meal intentionally.

I want to write this for the people struggling today, and remind you that recovery is not linear. That it is normal to have days or weeks of feeling like slipping back.

I want to write this to remind you that whoever your loved ones are, are rooting for YOU, and that it is okay to let them in if you feel like you are struggling in your process right now.

I do not have this figured out yet. I do not know why looking at myself some days are harder than others.

I want you to know you are not alone, and that if you cannot fight for yourself, fight for the people who have never stopped fighting for you.

Choose to stick with recovery to be able to love your life again, and to someday appreciate everything your body has done for you.

I want to thank my friends and family for pushing me to do better, and letting me know that it is okay when I am falling back.

I live each day with such gratitude for the people I have, and such sorrow for the pain I had caused in the past leading up to my diagnosis.

Love Always,

R