The One Who Got Away

Over the past few months I have felt alone. I’ve been reminiscing past relationships trying to figure out where I went wrong. I am flooded with emotions of missing someone/ some people that I simply cannot get back. But as I sit here and criticize myself, and justify every reason of why I am unlovable to them, I have noticed something that I haven’t yet before — and I think that is missing myself most.

It sounds weird right? I am only 19, but I miss the girl I used to be already — and not only that, but how jealous I am of her.

I miss the smile she wore so effortlessly, and the way she used to laugh at her stupid jokes. I miss how she laughed without caring about how it looked and how she didn’t feel like she had to sleep until noon.

I am jealous of how she stood in the shower, how she wasn’t consumed by thoughts of calories, how she had everything and everyone that she is missing in her life now. I am jealous that she slept better, and how she did makeup for fun.

I am jealous of what she had, and heartbroken of the thought she can’t get it all back….

For the past 5 years I have been battling with depression, anxiety, and an ED — so I was never completely happy.— but its even more different now because now I see all that I took for granted and all that I wasn’t smart enough to fully appreciate at the time. It seems like I have lost more than I gained over the years. I may have never been cured and perfectly fine — no one is — but I do know I have had things in my past that made me beyond happier than I am now — and I let it all go.

Damn I miss her and I let her get away.

Maybe I didn’t go far, or maybe that girl is too out of reach, but I know that there are so many things she took for granted, and so many people that are a little too far gone to let her come back now.

I was the one who got away. I was the one who let it all happen…..

I didn’t realize at the time, but I do now — so please if you are struggling seek help before you lose parts of YOURSELF. Value your heart and your mind enough to see when you are letting yourself lose things because of your illness and stop it before you are too late.