The Fear of Losing More

As time goes on I fear the loss of more things in my life — and although it is natural, I am still uneasy about it. When battling an ED/going through recovery people tend to forget that it’s more than weight you are gaining or losing, you are loosening the grip on yourself and tearing down walls you spent years building. — and after feeling like you lost sight of yourself, you don’t think your heart can handle more loss of anything else. I am terrified of losing the things that keep me going, and beyond worried all the bad could happen again. When my diagnosis took place I lost a piece of me, a piece of my family, trust of people, and a sense of reality. And although I am working on bettering myself — the path isn’t linear, and relapse is definitely something normal in the process. It is like coming so far and getting better, but losing it all in one day. It’s the thoughts of possibly being at that same place again and letting yourself get there.

It’s almost been a year since my diagnosis and I am afraid as the time approaches that I may feel the need to relapse, or maybe want to so I can still have a part of it with me. I am trying to convince myself that I don’t need it, and I shouldn’t want it but I can’t seem too fully grasp and understand it all. I don’t want to lose the things I have lost and rebuilt, but I don’t want to lose this part of me either and maybe that makes me sick — or maybe that makes me human.

And beyond losing things revolved just around the recovery process, I am afraid of losing things I hold close to my heart in my present. If I have gained weight, am I still worthy? If I have lost weight am I still sick? Am I enough for the people I want to be enough for, or are they maybe realizing I am not worth it? I am so afraid of messing up in front of the people I love, or becoming a version of myself that they just don’t want. If I fall short in their eyes, or if they see me the way that I see myself — will that be too much for them?

I have tried to bring down some of my walls, but it’s hard to fully let someone see me for as I am. A mess. The want to be wanted, but not thinking anyone really wants me in their lives.

Just because someone tries to restart doesn’t mean they won’t let old habits in. I have a lot of old habits — baggage I haven’t lost yet.

Its wanting to scream “wait on me,” but understanding if they don’t.

It’s not just losing or gaining weight. It’s everything. I think that’s why the process is so confusing mentally — because you don’t know what you want, and if you do know, you’re not sure if you can get there. Being vulnerable around the people you love, also gives them a reason to leave — or step back from your life. — Sometimes I blow up and I truly think some people stay because they feel the need to, not because they want to and in return that makes me feel like I need to push them away — to not involve the people I want there in these confusing times. And how can a person feel love, if they don’t accept it?

I don’t have all the answers, I actually don’t have any, but I know that I am scared. To lose it, to lose them. To let people leave because I feel like too much. The love of losing weight, but the fear of losing everything else.

In the times of questions, I do know one thing that we should all remind ourselves of — easing our minds, try to let ourselves have peace. You deserve peace. You deserve to be kind to yourselves even if your mind is having demons shout out on you today. I hope the people you love stay because they want you. I hope you get the answers you’ve been looking for.