The Call We All Need

Over the last few weeks as I have previously mentioned I have felt down. Today especially has been one of those days. I somehow always manage to struggle, or freak myself out about whatever I could be doing wrong. I blame myself for the things that don’t go as planned, and I convince myself that I will find a way to ruin what’s going good. Like somehow I am always the issue, the unlovable, the damaged, the mistake.

It sounds dramatic, but in my mind it makes sense. It’s easier to paint me as the unfixable character rather than someone who tries and still falls short. It’s safe to accept failure than to keep trying only to achieve failure. I don’t know what I want for my life, or my future. I have no plans, or ideas of how the hell to achieve anything that I want…

— and in the midst of my pity party, feeling alone and unsure of myself I got a call. The kind of call that quite literally seemed sent from God himself.

It was from my dad. I answered the phone assuming the questions would simply be about how I am feeling — the usual are you better today? Still feeling sick? Still feeling down? Etc., but it wasn’t like that. He told me that he was proud of me — proud of the person I’m becoming, proud of the mistakes I’ve made and will continue to make, and most importantly proud to be my father. He insisted that me trying is simply enough for him. That being a child of God who is down on Earth doing her best is absolutely enough.

I haven’t heard those words out loud in a while — that someone was proud of me for simply being me.

It may sound cheesy to you — but its exactly what I needed to hear. That everything was somehow all going to be okay, that it will all someday maybe make sense.

I may still not be completely proud of the person I am — but at least I can maybe appreciate her for just doing the best she can, and for trying even when she feels like stopping.

I think that’s something we all need to remind ourselves of.. No matter where you are in your recovery journey, your life, or wherever you may be — that you are still HERE. That even waking up on the days you don’t wanna be awake for is enough. Small steps you’re taking to better yourself is enough. Being the slightest bit emotionally vulnerable is enough. Doing nothing but simply being alive is enough.

We stress ourselves out and convince ourselves that the world must be so disappointed in us, that the person we were 10 years ago wouldn’t be proud of the person we are today — BUT THATS NOT TRUE!! — because I know that 12 year old little girl I used to be would be so damn proud of how far I’ve come — maybe not in all aspects, as I’m sure I’ve disappointed her — but proud that I’m still here. That I’m still trying. And proud that I’m in recovery because I promise you she never would’ve thought that would happen for me.

I can proudly say I didn’t leave bed today, but I know that I will get up tomorrow. And when the thoughts come rushing in of why I can’t be enough in every aspect I want to be — that I can remind myself I’m enough in the eyes of who matters most to me. Even when I see nothing worthy in myself, they see something extraordinary in me. — and that gives me strength.

I needed that call. The reassurance of feeling loved when I think I am unlovable. The motivation to push through for the ones who see something in me.

I want to be better for them. I want to quit wasting my time on the things that won’t matter and focus my time on the things that really do. I wanna show the world that I am here!!! — until I am not….

Time is so limited. And in the midst of being scared of failure I’m going to lose the things that matter. So yes I laid in bed the last few days — and more in the last month than I should have, but I am not a failure for that. My life hasn’t completely gone to shit because of some of my past choices and God isn’t really all that mad at me I don’t think..

But he will be if I keep letting my own head get in the way of my own personal growth!!

So here is the message I want to relay onto you. I am proud of you. If you haven’t heard it lately, you should have. Wherever you are right now is simply where you are meant to be. Whatever steps you’ve taken, or are going to take are going to get you right where to you need to be. And whenever you feel like giving up — don’t.

You don’t need to cure cancer, or be mentally healthy to be worthy of peace. God made you, and that’s priceless. To be touched, held, and created by someone bigger than we could ever be.

It’s all going to work out.

Love Always,

Rachel.