Talking about the uncomfortable...

When I was a 15 year old girl I was thrown into therapy. I didn't want to talk, nor did I want to face the fact that maybe something was wrong with me, but as some of you may have experienced, a therapist has a very good way of getting you to talk. And mine got me to open up more than I did to anyone ever before in just one session.

That is not like me to do -- as a shallow minded kid I thought therapy was something frowned upon and something that I for sure should be ashamed of. I didn't understand the concept of paying someone to watch me cry. -- if you can't tell by now, that mindset has changed.

I am writing this today because in my life I have seen 3 different therapists, and tomorrow I will start seeing my 4th. I am writing this because I am scared.

I took some time off since my diagnosis to comprehend what was going on, and to try to find comfort in myself. I wanted to help me. I've realized that I can't, at least not on my own. I've comprehended, I've taken time for myself, and now I know in my heart that it is time to get help -- and more importantly to accept help.

I know therapy can work. It has worked tremendously for some of my battles in depression and anxiety, unfortunately I haven't seen any progress in it helping with my eating disorder thus far.

Tomorrow I start with someone new, again. Reopening old wounds, facing anger and sadness, and also facing the fact that I may never fully recover.

I feel comfort in going and trying, but a defeated mindset in my recovery journey so far. Even though I am eating better, my mind is still tearing me apart in many ways and it wants to convince me and diminish me of my self worth.

But.... I won't let the fear of failure keep me from playing the game, right? And after all, I'd rather try and fail, then not try at all.

Talking helps. Coming face to face with internal issues helps. Crying even helps. -- and even though I am far from recovered... TRYING helps. I refuse to let my mind diminish my body. And I hope that no matter how uncomfortable and scary it may be, that you can find peace in knowing that you are putting up a damn good fight.