Taking Time

Hello all, I hope everyone is thriving and doing well.

I myself have been having conflicting thoughts about my body and the pain I inflicted on myself and others during my peak illness.

You see, I got so used to people telling me I was skinny, because I was sick. And now that I’m not as sick, people don’t tell me that anymore.

I get the “you look healthier” and the “you look better,” but I don’t feel better. I actually feel worse.

I miss my sick body, but I do not miss my sick life.

And that’s where I’m conflicted. — because I am now back to a point where I am uncomfortable in my own skin again. I feel bigger. I feel ugly. And I feel unwanted.

And the slip right back to where I was is just right there. I can take it. — I haven’t yet. I don’t know if I will. But I know that I want to.

And I hate this. I hate feeling unloved in the only skin that I have. But when I see old pictures or videos of how I used to look — I want it all back.

I am trying to remind myself that the place I was in was miserable, lonely, tiring, and I still felt all of these things that I do now.

I am looking for peace, acceptance, and love. - something that we are all so deserving of. Things I wish we could all feel.

I’m sorry for the short and delayed post — but if I keep typing too long my mind will keep wondering and right now I am at a time where I would like my mind to just stop.

I am gonna take some time this week to figure out the steps I need to take, and will be back in a few days — hopefully with healthier thoughts, and with an admiration for all the body does rather than a hating for it.

I am praying for all of you, for I hope your healing journeys are going well and you continue to thrive in the beautiful bodies you are in.

Healing is not linear. And that is a reminder for wherever you are in your journey. Set backs are unwanted, yet normal and nothing to be ashamed of.

As always contact me with any concerns, comments, advice, tips, or if you need anything at all.

With love,

Rachel