Summer is Back

Hello Summer, I have forgotten what it feels like to be wrapped in your warmth, yet afraid of it at the very same time.

Summer brings me happiness, but angst. Summer sometimes makes me feel like I don’t deserve to eat. That the food I’m hungry for won’t be worth the bloated-ness in a bikini.

I like wearing sweatshirts in summer.

The last few days I have felt old habits slip. I even fell into an old pattern I am not proud of, and hope that I will be strong enough to not give into it again.

Summer is weird for me. This time last year I was so depressed I could barely function as human, while this summer I am moving away from all I know in hopes to love something more. To be something more.

I am leaving this place called home and when I come back I know it won’t feel like how it was when I first left. And just like leaving home, I am wanting to leave this body yet again, to fit into a smaller one, an unrealistic one.

I judge myself a lot, we all do, but summer is worse I feel like. I hate wearing jean shorts, so I don’t. I hate being in public with my arms exposed, so I don’t expose them. I hate the thought of people judging me in a bikini, so I rarely go to a pool.

In summer I have an easier time wanting to wrap up in bed and not come out until dark. It’s harder to see flaws in the dark.

I was doing so well. I still am. This just feels a little different recently, and I promise you I will be strong and try my best not to cave, but my mind is at a low right now.

I refuse to lie and preach how recovery is easy, because we all know that it is not. Recovery feels like becoming clean off drugs. The satisfaction of being skinny feels like the highest high, and I haven’t felt that high in so long.

— but we have to remember no matter how “high” skinny feels, the lows are LOWER. The lows mean misery, unsatisfaction, depression, and malnourishment.

I hope you all are so beautifully fueling your bodies, and I pray we all continue nourishing ourselves because oh how we are so worthy.

It’s okay to have bad days. It’s okay to have set backs. Because even though eating disorders can’t be cured in a day, recovery allows us to recognize old patters so we can get help faster, and in the state I feel now, I KNOW just exactly where to reach out to.

We will all be okay. And I am praying that you all know how proud I am of you.

Love Always,

Rach