Small Little Update

Right now I may be the biggest in my life I have ever been. Bodies change in adulthood, childhood, and just about every other stage of life that I have a discomfort to.

Life feels different than it once did. Showering, walking, running, sitting, putting on clothes, laying down, standing up…it all just feels different. Mentally my mind wonders off to weak although my physical body is possibly at one of the most healthiest it’s ever been.

Change is all around us. Recovery for me has been gaining weight and muscle to restore what was once malnourished, what was once weak.

I often think about what it would be like to shrink myself again. To fit in a smaller body that my frame is not meant to be in. To have the satisfaction of the “skinny” that I still very much crave.

— but then I would have to think about all of the life changes I would have to sacrifice to get there. All the hurt I would cause. The damage I would do. The life I would miss.

Skinny was never skinny enough when I was at my lowest weight, so why do I think it could be any different now.

I may still have discomfort in the shape my body has taken, but I have found a love for what it has to offer.

Going out with friends, eating in public, enjoying a tan on the beach, having the trust of my loved ones would all go away if I chose to slip into old habits that I have spent a desperate amount of time to get out of.

My body may be bigger now, but so is the quality and enjoyment of my LIFE.

We are not meant to fit into small spaces or have a comfort in the malnourishment of our own skin. Life happens when you start living for everything else other than how you want your body to look. Life happens when you set yourself free into the recovery journey and love for YOU and not your disorder.

I am on your side always. Thank you for letting me be here.