Obsession and Rejection

Hello friends, I pray you are are healing your minds and bodies, understanding that you are so deserving of nourishment, and having a better week than I am today.

Today I want to talk about eating and rejection, how they go hand and hand, how one can feed off the other when battling anorexia.

• When I feel out of control - whether it is with a person, with an illness, a career, family, school, etc. I am in utter need to find something I can have control over. In many cases in my life I find that control in food. What I can eat, what I won’t eat, when to eat, and how much.

Rejection comes in handy when I want to restrict because I am obsessed with changing everything I hate about myself, and even more obsessed in finding out what others don’t like so I can change that too. Rejection to me is like a drug. It is the constant chase of trying to prove my worth to people, to things, to life.

This week I keep falling short friends, and I cannot help but blame myself for all the mistakes I’ve made, the people I’ve hurt, the food I’ve eaten.

I am starving friends - but this time not for food. Im starving for love, for acceptance, for a smaller body, for a person that isn’t me at all.

I want to be better, I want to feel enough, but friends I just don’t know how.

Today eating seems like a chore, one that I want to put off. I don’t feel like I even deserve it today - and I hate feeling the need to restrict to feel something other than sadness.

I am sorry for not being strong enough today, please be strong enough for me. Eat for me today. Do something for yourself today.

I am so proud of you, even on the days you feel weak.

We got up today, even if we didn’t want to. - and because of that we can face tomorrow.

With Love,

R