Me Without You..

I feel as we all continue to grow in our adult lives we are faced with many challenges and situations to help determine who we will become in the future as well as what people we want to become, and the hopes and dreams that we want to accomplish for ourselves.

Everyone wants to find themselves, and be completely content with the person they are. As young adulthood emerges I feel as if these are the most crucial years to finding out who we really are.

And although the unpredictable and exciting journey we start to face seems great, what people fail to mention is how damn hard it is. Piecing together the puzzle is not all fun and games. Sometimes we so badly want pieces to fall in to place that just don’t. Other times the most beautiful things in our lives happen when we least expect it.

For me, I wonder if can I ever be content in my own life if I am dependent on only other things and people to make up who I am and what I feel.

Facing anorexia has got my mind overthinking every aspect of myself — and more importantly it has opened my eyes to the fact that I don’t really know me at all. — which is weird, huh? I am me, Rachel Steele, but sometimes she seems like such a stranger.

I don’t know me without an eating disorder.

I don’t know how to be happy without depending it on others.

I don’t know how to cope with my darkness that doesn’t lead me into a depression.

I don’t know why sometimes people get the happy version, while others get the sad one.

And I don’t know if I am worthy of the titles given to me in life thus far.

And yes — I know that certain things in life make you who you are, but not to where the ED, the depression, and the anxiety get more time and energy put into them rather than the body, mind, and soul that these disorders are living in.

I don’t know me without these things, and I am afraid that through the recovery process I could learn to cope with all the bad, and still hate me at the end of the day.

Right now I can hate myself and have reason to explain why. I can blame the hatred and sadness on body dysmorphia, or on the people that can’t love me back, or on the anxiety and depression…. But what if I overcome all the dark and still can’t find the light in myself. What if “enough” is just not a term I can accept for myself.

I am so co dependent on aspects of my mental illness, and heartbreak that I seem to have lost sight of who I am supposed to be, and soley focused on why my growth as a person is stunting because of the obstacles I face.

I do think this is normal though, I think this means the process is working. If you are worried about who you will become it is because you care about who you all be. It is starting to respect yourself and wanting to get better to see what lives beyond mental illness.