I Am Sorry

Hello All — two blog posts in two days I’m feeling on fire! — but in all reality I want to send you my love and know how proud I am of you. You are deserving of so much peace and an unconditional love for yourselves.

Today I want to let out all of my insecurities, trust issues, and self doubt. Today I want to put into words what I am so afraid to say out loud, in hopes to one day let it go.

If I am being honest with you all I blame myself for everything that goes wrong. If my parents hate each other it’s because I push them too hard to find the love again. If my cousin died it’s my fault I didn’t see the warning signs. If I can’t feel love it’s because I swear I’ve gained a few too many pounds and I can’t love myself either.

I want so badly to be the un-anxious person that can just enjoy everything life brings, but I can’t. I am not the let loose, go with the flow, happy all the time girl. I am what I like to call collateral damage. An unintended yet self inflicted type of pain. The girl who ruins the fun and gets too in her head about all the reasons she can’t measure up.

— and I know, these are the mental health issues that are not always real, no matter how real they seem to me. That the mirror is not always a perfect reflection.

And I do not mean to cry pity nor do I ever want you all to feel some of the things I feel, but if I am not honest, then I am not healing, not recovering.

I speak only to let you all know that I do not mean harm, or mean to be the way that I am.

I want to be carefree, I want to appreciate my body for more than how it looks. I want to be able let things happen. — and until then I want to be able to accept that I am not that girl yet.

I want to accept my weight gain. I want to accept my recovery journey. I want to accept that I am not always at fault.

And I may never be perfectly healed, but it’s a marathon, not a race.  And I have to understand that not matter what, I am human, and I am doing the best that I can.

Just like you, you are human. You are learning, you are growing. And I do not fault you for the reasons you may fault yourself.

I do not see you as weak, I do not see you as hard to love. - as I hope you all don’t see me as that, or judge me based on my bluntness of this blog.

We are all just ultimately trying to heal the things we keep so desperately inside of us.

Essentially — I am sorry. I am sorry for the reasons I am the way I am. - but I am so hopeful that one day I will be so unapologetic for what I see as weak, unlovable, and less than.

I am rooting for you all, no matter what journey you are on. I hope you are so unapologetically yourselves, and know that you are not at fault for the parts about life that are hard to accept.

Sending my love to all of you on the days that are harder than others. I believe in you and I believe we will all one day find peace.

Love Always,

Rach