Dear Therapist,

Hello All - I hope you have been fueling your bodies and loving yourselves to the best of your abilities.

I come to you today with a little sadness, and little anxiousness, and a whole lot of uncertainty.

Last week I was told that my therapist is moving states, therefore can no longer take clients that will remain residing in West Virginia. Unfortunately — that means me.

This 7 months has been the longest I have continued with the same therapist. I have worked hard to get to the mental state that I am in, and I am afraid of deteriorating when she goes away.

You see, I don’t want to start over again. I don’t want to reopen wounds, tell my life to a new stranger, and have to explain to someone why my heart is the way that my heart is.

I don’t want to relive past trauma, and I don’t want to have to vulnerable yet again to a 7th therapist. (God only knows what I’ve put the others through!)

So many people have tried to fix me, have tried to make me seen, but this particular therapist has worked wonders that I will forever be grateful for.

Within the last week of mourning a loss of someone I trust, it became deeper than what I originally had thought. It goes beyond starting a new chapter and meeting a new therapist, — it is all of the things that I will someday have to “redo,” “start again,” or have to “heal from” again.

I don’t want to start with a new therapist the same way that I don’t want to open up to I could love. I don’t want to start with a new therapist the same way I don’t want to become vulnerable with someone someday. I don’t want to start a new therapist the same way I don’t want to eat most days.

They are such different points of my life, that add up to such a similar fear.

With every new step in life is a way for me to get hurt, heart broken, and fall short in someone else’s eyes.

I don’t want to start with a new therapist, the same way I don’t want to start a new journey filled with new challenges, new vulnerabilities.

The scared-ness that is just life.

I had therapy today, and as much as I want to act so healed to give her peace in starting her new journey, I couldn’t help but be an anxious mess. I so badly want people to know that I am fine, that I sometimes stunt my own growth by acting this “fine” all of the time. — and I don’t want to dive in deeper to why I feel this feeling of never being enough, if in two weeks she won’t be my therapist anymore.

One step forward and a few steps back seems to be how I heal. It’s slowly, not all at once, and a little all over the place.

I come to you today with sadness that someday eventually, with not always blame to place or fault to give, people can always leave. — and I don’t have much more in me to give trust and be left standing alone.

I know, I know, I have the dramatics in todays writing. — I am just so afraid to be on my own again. In a body that I hate, in a place that doesn’t always feel safe, in a life where I will never know what’s coming next.

I write this today to let you all know, that your anxious thoughts, your feeling of being “hard to love,” your doubt about your own self worth can all be just thoughts. That they are not always real, and that it is completely okay if sometimes they feel like they are.

I write this today to let you know that I will be a person who stays. To remind you of your self worth, and how much you are so deserving of peace in this life.

I write this today to thank my therapist for giving me something that is just so hard to say goodbye to, because that means the process and guidance I was given, is working.

I write this today in remembrance that even on my hardest days, I have so much to be thankful for and to keep going for. That I can continue with my progress even if I have to find a new way to do so.

Tomorrow is a new day my friends. Tomorrow will bring uncertainty, but that doesn’t always have to be a bad thing. Tomorrow could be really something beautiful if we let it be.   

I have so much faith in you all to keep pushing even when it’s hard, or scary. And I am just so proud of how far we have all come on this weird journey of life.

You are so beautifully enough in my eyes.

With Love,

Rachel