Dear December,

Hello all, I hope you had a better month than me — and if you didn’t at least you are not alone.

December is a hard month for me. It reminds me of hospitals, sickness, darkness, the people I’ve lost, and recovery — which brings both positive and negative connotation to me.

December is a month that I used to be so fond of, but now mirrors a past that although I’m proud of, is hard to look back at and remember what I once had.

I found myself sleeping more, not going outside, wasting my days, and criticizing my body in ways that have carried up until this point in time. I found comfort in complete isolation and felt as if seeing people, or being out in public was a hard obstacle for me. The thought of being seen brought more anxiety to me now, than in previous months before.

And although I was wasting my days I hated myself even more for being aware, but not reaching out when I am more than capable of knowing that I should’ve.

When I look back and see my series of seasonal depression, I can also look back and realize that THIS and every moment in between is apart of recovery. The ups AND downs, the step forwards AND step backs. I think we all as humans put so much pressure on ourselves to only let the world know when we are up and thriving, and panic when we feel the slightest bit under our best.

I always say healing is not linear, but that means nothing if I don’t practice that mindset everyday. It means nothing if I cannot give myself a break when my life is going anywhere but up.

I am still not up to feeling my best, and that is okay.

I want to sincerely apologize for the month I took off, and wish I could put all of my feelings into words when I was down — maybe that could’ve helped.

I hate December. Maybe I always will.

— But I love sharing my life with you all. I love being comfortable to tell you when I feel like my world is falling down. I pray you find comfort in knowing that we all have bad days, and that without them we’d all have nothing to really appreciate when the truly good things come.

2023 has started. This is a new year. Another time where practicing recovery and prioritizing your mental health is as important as ever.

2023 cannot change us to be who we want to be just because we want it to. — but hey, maybe it can better prepare me for next December.

Love Always,

Rachel.