Dear Body, I am mad at you....

Hello All, I hope you are all having peace with nourishing your body, and finding comfort in the body that keeps you alive.

— with that being said, I know it is hard. I myself feel like I am drowning. When starting this blog I feel like it has been my own personal therapy, and I have enjoyed it with every word written, but sometimes I feel like I need to look like I have it all together. And I don’t.

I am not happy with the way my body looks. I am actually miserable. Everyday I wake up and am in discomfort with the skin around me. I feel ugly, unwanted, unmotivated, and embarrassed with the way I perceive that the public sees me. I am in complete frustration with myself, and the utter fact that I am unable to feel pretty — no matter the selfies posted, the outfits worn, or the parties went too — it is hard. It is hard to feel self hatred in a place full of people who think I have this thing figured out.

I blame myself for the people that have come and gone in my life, and I see my looks as a reason why I cannot be loved.

I feel like the weight I have gained since my anorexia diagnosis is lost progress… Body, I am so mad at you.

— but just because we may feel unlovable, does not mean we are unworthy of it.

I share these thought with you tonight, to let you know it is okay to heal in a ways that are not linear. To show you that I still struggle with the distorted thoughts. To let you know that THIS does not make you weak, it just makes you human. To show you that you do not have to have it all together all the time. Take a step back, breathe, reflect, and wake up another day.

I may never be satisfied with my appearance, but maybe one day I will be satisfied and comfortable eating regularly. Maybe one day I truly will reach full appreciation and even love. Maybe one day we all will, but that is only if you can stick with me. -- on our good, and bad days.

I wish I was stronger for you all tonight, I wish I could appreciate myself a little more tonight.

I hope you know that a bad couple spells, does not mean you are incapable of becoming healed. We are all capable of recovery, and we are all deserving of so much peace, especially on our bad days.

Reach out if you need it. Talk to me. Eat with me. Whatever you need I am here.

Love Always,

R