Clothes That Never (should have) Fit.

Yesterday I found an old dress from high school that I wore when I was in my peak ED stage… probably one of the tiniest I have been in my life — and instead of letting it be, and letting old times be old times, I decided to try and put it on… Don’t ask me why, because I simply don’t know.

And yes it was triggering, and yes it still fit (just tighter…) but it brought me back to a time where I was miserable, in all aspects of my life. I was so tiny, but still felt huge. I was exhausted after completing minor tasks, and awful to just about everyone close to me.

I once put on this dress, and couldn’t image going out in public in it, to let the world see me in something so tight, so in that moment I decided to not get something that was more comfortable, but to make myself comfortable in it. To starve my already starving self.

After putting on the dress yesterday I realized something that I still struggle deeply with today. I was so convinced if I was skinner, and prettier, and in a body tinier than mine is supposed to be that I would have it all. That I wouldn’t be left, that I wouldn’t hate myself, that he would see me as more than what I ever thought I could be.

…. but that wasn’t the case. And it’s proven because I was skinnier, and in a body tinier than mine now, and I still felt like I was falling so short. That in the tinier body I had, my only craving was to make it smaller. But at the end of all of that I just ending up worse, sicker, sadder, and with more hatred in myself than ever before.

I cannot make people love me, I cannot think I am worth it to anyone no matter how hard I try, because I simply don’t/didn’t see it in myself.

How can I accept love if I don’t see why I deserve it. How can I love my body if I don’t even appreciate it.

Yesterday the dress was on…. After a full day of eating. I am here, I am alive, I am thankful. That dress should have never fit me the way it used to. It only fit because of all the things I was willing to lose, and all the things I have now spent years trying to gain back.

At the end of the day a dress is a dress, and I can have them all if I want to… but I only get one body and altering it the way I was could’ve ended up with no body at all.

I wish I was smaller. I wish I looked in the mirror and appreciated how God created me. — But what I can appreciate is that I am still here, and I am fueling my body, and that I love being alive. I can appreciate the journey from how far I’ve come, and how I have learned to accept help when I need it.

I may not ever look at myself and see someone beautiful, but maybe I can look at myself and just know I deserve to be loved, to have love, and to know I do not need to alter my body the way I used to.

Fuel your body today. — because even if you don’t, I promise you STILL won’t be happy with the results. You will still be on a never ending cycle of constant exhaustion and self hatred.

It took me a while to realize, but eating does not make you weak. It makes you strong and shows that even on the days where it seems impossible to, you are striving for a healthier life, a longer life.

You are worthy of all of the things you have been depriving yourself of.

With love always,

Rachel <3

(P.S. SCREW THE DRESS!!!!)