Blame and Loss

Hello all — hope you are thriving, fueling your bodies, loving with the best of your ability, and learning from your mistakes…..

Over the last month or two I have felt a significant change in myself and who I am. I am not an aggressive person, but lately I have just been so angry with the way my life has been turning out. I used to have all these ideas of the person I wanted to be, the people I wanted to have, the weight I wanted to achieve, the career I wanted to pursue… but I can’t help but feel as if I have fallen short.

I don’t want to play victim, because I take full responsibility for the way my life has turned out. I take on the blame and understanding why things happen the way they do. I understand why people don’t want a part of my messy life, I see my lack of dedication effecting my work ability, I see the damage I bring to the table.

And I keep hearing the words of “God will replace,” and “Whats meant to be” and all of the bullshit that us humans trick ourselves into thinking so we don’t have to suffer actual loss. We give “hope” to ourselves, but only to give us peace of mind, not because we actually believe it.

I am trying my best to see the silver lining of why things happen, why we do harmful things to ourselves, and truly understand loss and grieving to help me form better connections and healthier ways of living, but somethings I just can’t seem to find reasons for.

And I hate throwing myself these pity parties of why my life isn’t how I want it to be, when others have it noticeably worse. It almost feels selfish to let out my thoughts and feelings when others feel like they can’t talk it all.

And comparing what I thought my life would be, to seeing how it actually is pains me. It pains me to see what I have lost, and will continue to lose wether I am ready or not.

— but maybe loss is the one thing that connects us all together. Maybe the world is fair, because it is unfair to everyone on this earth.

I don’t know if any of you feel like a lost cause right now. I don’t know if you are struggling with body image, depression, anxiety, losing someone, or losing yourself, but if you are I am here to let you know you are safe, you are human, and I am right there with you.

I want you to stop blaming yourselves for what you’ve eaten. I want you to stop blaming yourselves for why people can’t love you. I want you to stop forcing a smile everyday until you finally break — because you will… you will break if you carry the world of guilt and hatred on your shoulders.

— because the truth is people leave everyday, you may not get your dream job, you may have the hardest time looking in the mirror today, and hell the truth that it is HARD TO EAT... and that somedays it is even hard to live!!!!!

But let me assure you that you are not a failure for the way your life has turned out. You aren’t unlovable. You aren’t damaged, even when you feel like it.

We have to stop blaming ourselves, because blaming ourselves for every little inconvenice will turn into hating ourselves more, and we already do that enough.

I hope you find peace today. I hope you love with every being inside of you. I hope you are happy and grow to be where you know you need to be.

Life is short and messy and complicated and sometimes it really sucks — but sometimes we are lucky enough to find people and things that make us want to get up, that make us better people, and who help us out of our dark spaces. I hope you find that person or thing that does that for you — that lifts you into the light.

I have blamed myself for so many things, but at the end of the day I have people in my life that I would’ve died without, whether they know it or not….

If you continue to blame yourself for the way things turned out, you are gonna push people away, and you are gonna lose more.

Try to love something today, try to be thankful for all the chapters of your life (messy or beautiful) … and do something that makes you feel alive. You deserve to love the one life you have. You have the power to fix whatever you want if you just let yourself try -- and you sure as hell have the power to heal.

Love Always (with a little side of messy,)

Rachel <3