To Letting Ourselves be Loved..

Growing up we always see or hear things — whether it’s intentional or not — we notice, we observe, and we mimic. In my life I also saw and heard things that affected me more than I realized at the time.

I heard comments about how I was only skinny if I had a thigh gap — not only untrue, but very unhealthy to hear as a 12 year old girl. I then became fixated on that. Needing a small section between my legs where the skin didn’t touch. I became obsessed with checking the gap.. and to this day I still do check it everyday. I am unable to stop because the 12 year old girl was so proud when she accomplished that gap — and even though I know in my mind I don’t need it, the little girl does need it. It is what I was taught, and a habit that for me has become irreversible.

I saw people I am close with check their bodies in the mirror. I saw the twists and turns and the uncomfortable and unloving looks they gave their bodies. I now check my stomach, thighs, and whole body in mirrors, car reflections, cameras, and anything else I can criticize myself in.

I read the comments on the size double zero humans as “sick” “disgusting” “eat a burger” and ect.. as well as the “fat” “whale” “stop eating” comments on the posts of someone who doesn’t fit the exact beauty standard. How confusing that is to a person who just wants to love and be loved for more than their physical appearance.

We see distorted perceptions of the people we love hate their bodies, we see nothing wrong with them — but yet we also have the same negative perceptions on ourselves.

So with that being said, I want to share something that my therapist told me:

“Rachel I want you to think about the people you love, and I want you to determine how much their physical appearance affects how much you love them.”

I quickly responded saying that their appearance doesn’t determine how much I love them, and that they are beyond beautiful with beyond beautiful hearts.

He then said, “that’s how they feel about you. The way you look doesn’t determine how they see you and how they love you. They see your heart. They love your heart.”

And in that moment it all kind of made sense. It doesn’t mean I am cured, or better. — but it showed me that I am loved. That I deserve it even when I feel underserving.

You too are loved, you too are more than your body, and more than your negative perceptions. — and there is so much beauty in that.

To love and to be loved. Thats what it’s all about. Part of the journey that I was missing was that even though I hate myself, others do see me as more.

Let someone love you. Let someone see you for more than just your outward appearance. Understand that you deserve to be seen for more than how you see yourself.