Some Things to Think About

My therapist has spent months trying to get me to understand the importance of fueling my body. Social media tells me how many hours I should fast a day. My therapist tells me that I do not have to fixate and critique myself in the mirror. Society tells me I cannot leave the house without looking, without changing the flaws that I am so convinced are there. My therapist thinks it’s possible to one day lower the impossible standards I have set for myself and my body, but will society like me then?

It’s quite a funny thing. You can spend all the time and money in the world on therapists, expert opinions, ED professionals — yet only care about the opinions of anyone else.

It sounds funny when I say out loud what I talk about in therapy. I’ve spent months trying to learn that it is okay to eat breakfast. Breakfast. A seemingly simple task was once unbearable for me. The thought of eating three meals a day seemed too much. The thought of my body regulating to be hungry in the morning was scary.

I feel a lot that it is bad to be hungry. That I don’t need three meals and a few snacks. Society tells me I don’t need that much.

Doctors tell me I do.

It is so strange. The realization that social media and outside opinions mean more to us than the doctors begging us to fuel our bodies.

I often wonder what triggered my eating disorder. If there was something I could’ve done back then, or even if I would.

I often wonder what it would be like to be content in a body shaped like mine. I dream about loving it and loving what it does for me.

Sometimes I even wonder if my flaws aren’t really flaws at all. A body can show a lot more than just skin. It can show where you’ve been, who you’ve loved, what you’ve overcome.

Maybe it is time to listen to our therapists, our doctors, our concerned friends and family. Maybe it’s time to just try to eat breakfast.

I know seemingly simple tasks are hard with a distorted image of our bodies, but at least we are here together. At least we can try together.

— I saw my grandmother today, and as much as I fear getting old, I fear more not getting the chance to. I see memories in her beautifully wrinkled skin, life in her eyes, and stories her hair could tell.

My dear friends, I need us to work on getting healthier. I need us to have the chance to all grow old, to grow strong.

There is so much beauty in life and I refuse to be 80 wishing that I wouldn’t have spent so much time worrying about the way I look now— because one day, God willing, our skin and hair will all look the same and what will we have to show for it if we don’t get the help we need now.

Wherever you are in your journey I am here for you, I am rooting for you, and will be forever in your corner.

— I think my therapist may just be right after all and it is time we give her a try.

Love,

R