Rejecting Myself:

Ever since I was a 14 year old I never saw myself as someone worth fighting for, or someone who would ever be enough for anything or any person. I spent countless nights trying to piece together the puzzle of “What is love,” and “Is it even real/worth it,” Once I grew a hatred for my body I then convinced myself that everyone around me would also grow to hate me — and if that was the case I would need my eating disorder in order to stop that from happening and convince people, and myself, that I could be worth sticking around for.

Once I reached about 16 my thoughts changed from “I need no one”, (scared of rejection) — to “I need to feel loved.” I was so desperate to feel something other than disgust in myself, and thought maybe if others could love me, that maybe I could learn to love myself — but that wasn’t the case. I don’t get easily attached, but when I did I found myself in toxic relationships begging for people to stay and hating myself even more when they didn't.

Once I would get rejected — either by people, or other outside activities, I knew that my ED needed to have a stronger hold on on me. Every flaw people pointed out to me, I took note of to try and change that to become a more socially accepted person. — I got the blonder hair, ordered salads, wore crop tops, and started taking more pride in my outward appearance. That — along with becoming more of a party girl, hiding my real emotions, and being the person that everyone perceived as “happy.” I didn’t want anyone to see my flaws, and my eating disorder promised me that I could be fixed.

The more I made small changes, the more anorexia came into play — so once I continued to see differences in myself the more I trusted the process of becoming anorexic.

Once a person wants to change a little, anorexia makes you feel like you NEED to change a lot. — and I did just that, but over the years I just become less and less myself. There is no end goal - but more of keep pushing until you have absolutely nothing left. I will never reach my goal because I don’t even have one — I just told myself “anything but who I am now…” but that thought process didn’t change — not when I lost 20 pounds, not when I stopped eating, not even when I did feel confident in my skin — my ED just said “keep pushing, there are so many things worth so much more than You will ever be if you stay like this.” I always wanted to change because if my ED stopped, everyone would see my for who I really was — and in my mind that was a broken, over weight, unlovable girl.

As far as not feeling enough, this makes me act out in certain situations. I reject myself, and in many ways my ED also wants me to see people rejecting me because the more I get rejected, the more I rely on my anorexia as a way to fix my imperfections. I do things that I wouldn’t normally do, but my mind tells me to do them. My ED can read situations and will get to them faster than I can. I need to fail as a person, in order for it to succeed as an illness.

When you become comfortable with rejecting yourself, you suddenly believe that everyone else also rejects you. The way you see you, is ultimately how you believe others see you-- and that is why I am so hard on myself. I am not proud of that person, I want others to see me for more than my body and looks, but my ED keeps me from showing people my heart and focuses on what I think society wants to see. So many people have met me with my anorexia, not just me. The poor decisions I have made mostly all come from my distorted thought process of why would anyone love me. And my ED is trying in every possible way to make that statement true.

My ED has NEVER rejected me, in fact, it is so welcoming and wants so badly for me to stick around. — and that is part of the reason of why I don’t want to let it go, because what if I get rid of all my issues, but still fall short.

When messing with your food intake, this effects major organs, the brain, and your body as a whole. You do not want an eating disorder to take away from the person you are supposed to be. You are NOT hard to love. You just need to see yourself outside of your anorexia, binge eating, bulimia, etc. to know that you are worth so much more than what your ED tells you.

ED’s effect more than how you feel about your body, but also makes it hard for people to process information, make judgements, and be able to read situations correctly.

"Parts of the brain undergo structural changes and abnormal activity during anorexic states. Reduced heart rate, which could deprive the brain of oxygen. Nerve-related conditions including seizures, disordered thinking, and numbness or odd nerve sensations in the hands or feet."

You are NOT on this earth to be a pretty face, or a perfect body. You are worth so much more than what your brain tells you, so don't let the outside effect who you really are on the inside.

Take some time to think about the good qualities you have in you — I mess up A LOT, and I will continue to, but I don’t believe that my heart doesn’t have good intentions… I don’t think I am a bad person, I think I am just a little lost right now, and in the Recovery process I hope to truly find peace in knowing that my heart is good enough for people to stay.

I will never have the perfect anything, and I will never reach any level of perfection — but if I can’t start accepting myself for my flaws, then I will never get better.