My Body I Guess

Hello friends, I hope you are all fueling your bodies and giving yourself the love you are all so deserving of.

These past few weeks I have been struggling, I have been fueling my body yes, but it has been hard. I met with a nutritionist for the first time a little over a week ago, and what I thought would be plain and simple was actually triggering and hard to speak about.

I am very vocal about my past and current struggles and I love being able to be vulnerable, but something inside me stopped last week when I met with her. To reopen wounds that I thought I was closing to someone who I wasn’t sure if I could let in yet was harder than I thought it would be.

I was advised to meet with a nutritionist through my therapist, and I was excited at first. I felt like it was a good step to continue recovering and hoping to one day be almost fully healed, but having to relive my past, and say out loud that I still hate my body, and hate my recovering body even more than my sick one, was hard to stomach.

I do not feel like this body is mine. I feel overweight, too big, and nervous to be seen. My goal is not even happiness with my body right now, it is content-ness. I would just like to wake up and not pick at my excess skin, or feel like I have to wear a sweatshirt in 75 degree weather.

So yes, I guess this is my body, but it does not mean that it feels like mine.

I want to wake up and be excited to eat, excited to continue the journey. It feels like I am going through the motions of eating, but my mind is just not on the same page.

—And don’t get me wrong, I am hopeful that the nutritionist will help me see the facts over what my head thinks about food and excited to keep continuing on this journey, but I would be lying to you if I said that these days have been easy. I feel like I have been covering up my emotions so well that I sometimes forget that I am still healing, and that it is okay to have set backs.

All in all I guess I just want to say that it is okay to not be 100% all of the time. That sometimes there is not that to give. That it is okay to not feel like your skin in yours sometimes. To know that recovery is so much more than physical, but mental and emotional as well.

I am rooting for you all.

NEDA week was also this past week, and I want to thank everyone who showed support to those struggling as well as checking in on me this week. NEDA week is filled with hope, and excitement to start recovery, and I am so blessed to have such supportive and loving people around me.

Love Always,

R