Fault

Hello All, I hope everyone is thriving and fueling their bodies and minds with positive thoughts.

I recently have started therapy again, and it has been a very big blessing for me. My mind runs a mile a minute, but I am starting to understand more and more about my disorder and how my brain chooses to function because of it.

Throughout yesterdays session, I said something out loud that I have yet to do — and that is blame my disorder for the way my brain works.

Recently I have been struggling with the thought of food and eating again. I run through the scenarios and memories of how this has deeply effected me in the past, and I can barely differentiate good and bad in my head. — I know that I need to eat, I know that I should. I remember the way I felt in my darkest times, and I remember how I made the people around me feel because of my disorder taking over me as a person. I remember ALL of the bad, so why am I still wanting this a part of me? Why does skinny sound more appealing than healthy? Why can I not be healed already?

As I said the words aloud to my therapist I went on and slipped out the words “maybe its just the disorder…” — we both paused and she made me say it again. I reflected.

I have spent so long blaming myself for the development of my anorexia, and continue to blame myself on the days I still restrict. I don’t want to hurt the people around me again, I don’t mean to — and for the first time I am realizing that I am not at fault for still finding comfort in the eating disorder. The 12 year old girl isn’t at fault for wanting to alter her body and not realizing the negative effects it would later cause.

I am not at fault for not being recovered yet.

We spend so much time blaming ourselves for things we can not control. We blame ourselves for not feeling enough, for struggling mentally, for simply being ourselves — and that is not fair.

You are NOT your disorder, and I will never fault you for finding comfort in what has been apart of you for so long. We do not have to be this perfect idea of what recovery “should” look like. — because that simply does not exist.

I understand if you are afraid to be healed. It sounds crazy, but it's hard to change the pathways that our brain has spent so long trying to convince us is true. Chemically I am convinced that I am too big, too obnoxious, too much to be loved. Those thoughts aren't going to change over night.

I cannot love my body just because I know I should. I cannot automatically be recovered just because I want to be.

I pray you find peace and acceptance that this happened to you, not because of you. I pray you continue to try and stop placing blame on things you cannot control. I pray you allow yourself to grieve the person you once were before life got complicated. I am proud of you no matter what stage of recovery you are in.

Love Always,

R