All That I Am

Most of the time I don’t know what I look like. Most of the time I wonder if I was 20 pounds skinnier if I would then be someone deserving of love. Most of the time I blame myself because I am so convinced that I will fall short.

The truth is, is that we all do this. We wonder what life could be like if we looked like someone else. If we had as much money as someone else. If we didn’t struggle with the things we struggle with. — and that’s clearly not a good thing to do.

I don’t remember when I stopped believing in myself. I don’t know when I started thinking that I wasn’t enough. — and I want you to ask yourself when you started falling into these habits too.

— If you have ever given your struggles the satisfaction of winning.

I think at some point along the road we put more into our disorders than to us as human beings. It’s easier that way because then we have something to blame our shortcomings on. When a guy doesn’t like me back my anorexia shows me why — and then tells me how to fix it. When I fail an assignment my depression shows me how. When I cry I can blame my anxiety for my never at peace mind. When I feel unloved my mind convinces me of all the reasons that I am.

—This way I can blame my diagnosis for the reasons I myself feel that I am not enough. Except while I choose to blame my disorders, I then get comfortable with having them, and that leads to a life of never recovering.

I understand why people, myself included, do this. — but I don’t want to feel as if my disorders are reasons not to be loved. I may have some internal scars, but I am deserving of peace and happiness and you are too.

I used to hide my diagnosis for the fear of people viewing me as “broken,” but now I see them as reasons to recover, that show stories of where I’ve been. Recovery isn’t embarrassing, neither is being in the midst of all of your struggles.

You are not unworthy even though your mind is doing everything in its power to convince you otherwise. You are not unloved because your body looks the way it does. You are not labeled as a disorder just because you have been diagnosed with one.

I am Rachel Steele. I have been diagnosed with anorexia, depression, and anxiety. These are apart of me, but they do not define the human that I am. I am Rachel Steele, a learning, growing, loving human —- trying her best. That is ALL that I am, and all that I am is enough. It’s enough on the good days, and on the bad no matter what.

You yourself are enough and are not confined to your past traumas. I want you all to become comfortable with accepting how we are chemically and genetically made. I want you to become comfortable with what you struggle with, but to not let it stunt the growth of the human you are supposed to be.

-- And if you find yourself letting your battles win, losing the job, losing the person -- know that your worth isn't determined by the eyes of anyone else here on Earth. We have to stop begging for people and things who don't value us. You will never feel enough for th wrong opportunity, for the wrong person. You should never have to change, or hide your struggles in front of someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally.

I pray you find peace. I pray you know that all you are, and who you continue to be is more than enough to me.

You are so beautifully made.

Love Always,

R