Acceptance

I was sitting at dinner with two of my cousins (my absolute best friends,) and we got into some deeper topics for all three of us. As we started talking about myself they voiced their concerns about my eating. They don’t feel as if I am trying my absolute best — they think I am scared of losing this part of me. — Fair point. I couldn’t deny it is an uneasy and un-normal feeling that I wasn’t too sure of.

I was trying to explain how I feel and what its like, but sometimes its hard to find the right words to say…

I remember specifically stating that I didn’t agree with my anorexia diagnosis, that I have been doing better, I have been eating, but the look they gave me after that was the type of look you get when others find out your biggest secret. They looked more worried and in shock of some of my denial.

Why can’t I accept the diagnosis? Why can’t I let my pain and my struggles be validated and be enough to recognize there is an issue. I am stuck in a position of “not feeling sick enough,” therefore my struggles aren’t valid because others have it worse. — but in the denial process I also am hurting my disorder worse. I am maybe not trying as hard, not only because I am unsure if I want it to change, but also because I don’t see a huge issue with how I am feeling and what I am doing right now.

In my latest therapy session my doctor expressed how I can know there is an issue, but not face it. I can be depressed or restricting, but instead of straight up telling myself I have a problem — I just let it brush by. Because if I tell myself there is an issue then it becomes more real. I become more vulnerable. I become more “damaged” in my eyes so to speak.

But if we don’t accept our feelings or our illness, then how can we heal ourselves? How can we get better if we don’t let ourselves be worse in a sense/ if we don’t acknowledge something is wrong.

There is so much comfort in mental illness because our minds have convinced us that the disease is all we have, all we know. — and whenever we need to feel a sense of control we can go right back into our old habits.

We have to face it guys. We have to accept our struggles — and even if we are truly doing better, we can’t disregard all of the hurt and all of the damage that has been done in the past.

Acceptance is one of the hardest parts — not only admitting theres an issue — but also validating our own issues and knowing it is OKAY!!!